Once again I find myself thinking of you. Not you as a person in general but many things. Things that continue to haunt me from the past. The temptations of the world continue to take control of my life and I find it harder and harder to escape. Every time I feel I have conquered you I am reminded it is only for that one second. I think I try to escape you and fall into bigger temptations. I pray for guidance and strength to get me past you but once again your power is consuming. Why do I find myself falling into your constant traps. I feel like an idiot. I find myself holding on to false hope. I wish things could be the way they used to be but honestly we both know that cant happen. You are in a point in your life where you see right through me. I feel invisible. The hurt I have caused you will never escape your mind and I may never get another chance. I accepted that. But I feel a part of you is still holding on yourself. I feel confused as to whether or not you want what we have wanted all along. You are there when you want to be and when its not convenient or you are unsure I am pushed away and hidden in your closet until you decide to find me again. I am not your puppet anymore. I have feelings too even though you feel I am like every other person who has hurt you I am not. I made mistakes yes. I was not myself and that is no excuse. But honestly you have hurt me too. I feel I cant love again. I feel I am missing out on joy in life because I am constantly hoping that you will return. So I grab a bottle or try to smoke my problems away. Not anymore. I made a decision and I messed up. But we all do. No one is perfect but I know this time I will not fall again. I wont let you control me anymore. From now on my life is mine. I hope you can understand because if you love someone you let them go, and if they are meant to be they will come back. I will always love you but you didn’t see how much I did. Take care and if we meet again it was fate. But if not enjoy your life as will I. And I will reminisce about the good times.
